Today and Past

Today something changed in me, it is a circumstance that happens to every one sometimes  but this time for me its stronger than ever, to put it simply, I have lost my faith in one of my long time Idols and inspirations, it will surly have an impact on my thinking and on the way I see the world, to describe why it is so, I need to put few steps back in time.

Since when I was a little boy, I have grown in my own world which wasn’t like any other of my friends in any way, and in the case of music the distinction was far more, I rarely found interest in what others around me was listening to (the pop music) and no music really caught my attention except some momentary pieces of music I heard in TV and movies, they were indeed good music which was written by masters and I still love them to this day (“La Petite Fille de la mer” made by Vangelis was one of those pieces. Our TV News program used to play this when displaying weathers). a bit later we bought a CD player and I found some good pieces of music between the CDs my father bought, he was a fond of movie soundtracks and other kinds of instrumental music, in other words he was interested to experiment other styles of music like me and I kept listening to his CDs. Some of my musical roots started to shape at those days, like new age , classical, rock, flamenco and latin music. a bit later PCs stepped in, then MP3s, ripping CD and a never ending quest to search for sources of music began.

As the time passed, I delved deeper into more and more non-commercial and artistic music, my disregard and Hate for pop and other commercial music also grown stronger just the way the people hated my music because of lack of understanding, I gave up talking about my music with anyone because no one could comprehend and feel what I feel.

My distinction with people was getting broader, not only in music, but also the philosophy and the mindset also my directions and the crustiness of my character was getting stronger as I got into more extreme forms of metal music, I turned into an extreme boy.

In my extreme days, a lot of  inspirational persons came to my world and gone, but a few of them remained and gathered my faith, to fuel my extremity. They were my Idols, “Varg Vikerness” was one them, though I owed a lot to this person for what I believed in as right or wrong, but its doesn’t work that way for me anymore. The edges between right/wrong, good/evil etc. are pretty blurred in my mind now. I’m not sure if its temporary or will last forever, but I’m pretty sure that my logic has changed a lot recently. His ideas don’t pierce right throw mines like before. I’m doubting him, he seems irrational to me now. my reasoning has changed. Though I try to stick to any of his Ideas that feel quite reasonable to me and discard the rest.

I’m missing my old original and obscure Ideologies, I can’t hate like before, maybe can’t fall in love like those day as well. anyway it is something that would happen sooner o later and I can do nothing about it

I’m in a taxi, the girl next to me is moaning and crying on the shoulders of his boy, apparently something wrong has happened to one of their close relatives, the boy has an envelope in hand, most likely containing the result of some medical test. I overheard them talking about “cancer”  while girl was weeping 🙁